PP #49: Empathy: Fix You, Fix the World
Project: Pioneer #49, August 18, 2024 Sunday 9am
Once upon a time, when my son was still a kid, we participated in a racquetball tournament. He was up against an old guy who had braces on every joint. My son was always one of those angels with altruism wired into the DNA from birth. Anyway, the old guy missed a serve, and his ball dribbled away to the far end of the court. Seeing the guy’s condition, my son ran to grab the ball for him to serve again. The dude berated him.
Project: Pioneer is the live weekly reality journal of a couple and their small dog as they leave their ‘normal’ life in a luxury apartment for a new semi-off grid life in a small recreational vehicle. We cover prepping, politics, spirituality, afterlife, RV life, and personal finance. You can listen to the audio podcast version of this journal at Substack, Apple, Spotify, PocketCasts and others.
“Don’t you ever help your opponent. Your opponent is your enemy. That energy you just spent weakens you and hurts your ability to win. You allowed me, your opponent, to rest and conserve energy. I will use that against you.”
I’ll never forget that moment. I should have said something, but I didn’t want to end up rolling around on the floor with the old guy. He seemed to have some anger management issues and I certainly did at the time. My son and I talked about it on the way home. The guy had a point, if your thesis in life is to win at all costs, even stepping on the neck of your opponent. This is called zero-sum—you can only get ahead by causing others to fall behind, at the expense of others.
This strategy has resulted in massive fame and success for some of our most well-known athletes, politicians, musicians, actors, and others. Did you ever wonder why so many of them seem so very unhappy? Why they end up victim to alcohol and substance abuse and die young? Or, if they’re more fortunate, end up such miserable old people, despite all their success and money?
It’s because, inside, you can’t hide from who you are. You know. You can suppress and justify at the conscious level, but underneath, in your subconscious, it eats and eats away at your self-esteem, your self-worth. The guilt is there, somewhere in those deep, still waters of the mind.
As well, others notice. You may self-perceive as this badass super-competitive mofo, but completely unaware that others see you as a major a-hole. (Narrator: I know, this was once me). This can certainly work against you, and result in the opposite—others working hard to make sure you don’t succeed. Look at someone like Keanu Reeves, who seems to be the most well-known, super-successful Christlike, Buddah-like person. He’s done well, without being horrible. Mark Cuban and Taylor Swift as well, I’d venture to say.
My son later went to war, two tours as a Marine machine gunner in the most dangerous areas of Afghanistan. Certainly that’s a different situation. It’s kill or be killed. You’re responsible for your platoon-mates. But in everyday life, you’ll likely get ahead faster by being more empathetic.
When you’ve been around for as long as I have, you’ve learned quite a bit (often, the hard way). You see all kinds of trends, ebbs, flows, circumstances, actions and outcomes—not just in what’s happened with you, but those all around you. The life thing starts to take shape and make sense.
Often, when things take a downturn, a run of unfortunate circumstances, we’re understandably negative. You’re in that FML mode, and everything seems to suck. You pay more attention to the sucky things going on, and dismiss any good that’s leaking through, and it all feels like crap. “I can’t help anyone else right now, I’m struggling.” You’re in a foul mood, and much less tolerant of others. “Look at that moron with the baggy pants and his underwear showing.” You’re giving in, allowing the darkness to own you. I’ve been there. A lot.
What I’ve learned though, is that if I take a beat and rationalize my way out of it, things turn 180 degrees in a heartbeat. It’s important to put things in context. My kids are healthy. My grandkids are healthy. I’m still breathing. I have love. What more can you ask for? I measure my self-pity against what others are living through around the world and begin to count my blessings. It's motivating and puts my focus on helping those who are worse off, rather than woe-is-me.
Sometimes other people help me out of my funk. A simple smile by someone who sees my dour expression, someone letting me merge onto the highway instead of speeding up to prevent it, or a random gift from the person ahead of me in the drive-through coffee line can spark the reversal. These are the angels of this world, and if you do this, you are one of them. Thank you. You make a difference, and you will be rewarded.
When things are going well, of course we’re happier. We’re more likely to be the one giving that helpful smile or compliment, to buy that coffee for the person behind us. The world feels like our oyster, and we’re full of joy and hope. We want others to feel the same, at least the good among us, the non-zero sum gamers. (The zero-sum crowd would say, “It’s your damn fault you’re not doing as well as me, get your stuff together, loser.”)
There are zealous, hateful zero-sum gamers in the religious world, particularly in the recent upswing in Christian Nationalism. They feel no other belief should exist, and the country (then, the world) should be forced into a strict, fundamentalist Old Testament existence. “Empathy is a sin, a trick of the devil,” they’re saying. Sounds like Satan to me! They’re taking over a town in Idaho, and building cells around the country. They have taken over our ultimate authority, the US Supreme Court, and the leader of the House of Representatives is one of their leaders. They’ve written Project 2025, the blueprint to establish this dystopian doctrine beginning on day one of a Republican presidency, just a few months for now. “There’s more that’s not even in the document,” their lead architect said on hidden camera recently. (Narrator: That would be the part about taking the guns away, and more). They’re preparing for a religious civil war here in America, if necessary. More on that in my next post. Ironically, all of this is the complete opposite of what Christ taught in his short time with us. It’s the opposite of Buddhism.
So, what I know after sitting on this spinning rock for so long, is that empathy is the way, if you want to be happy and maybe even live longer. If you want to be remembered well, and want to leave a legacy, perhaps passing this happiness secret on to your kids so they’ll have long, happy lives.
Empathy is all the heroines and heroes we ever read about, cheered for, cried over when reading impactful stories or watching great movies. Zero-sum were the horrible villains in those stories. Which side did you root for?
Empathy is George Bailey, zero-sum is mean old rich guy Mr. Potter (It’s A Wonderful Life). And yet, somehow we see a third of the country rooting for the mean old rich dude who promises to take away their disability payments, their Social Security, Medicare, right to make decisions about their own bodies. You see veterans and “patriots” supporting him, despite his constant disrespect and trashing of those who have served, especially those who gave all. That’s how cults operate. Don’t hate them. Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Help them see the light and work their way out of the dark.
Empathy is easier when you can relate to those who struggle, when you’ve been down and out yourself. Had that horrible fast-food job with the horrible boss. Had that trouble making the rent payment. Had that trouble finding someone to watch your kid so you can go to work and make that rent payment. It’s why some of those folks who have had to scratch and claw on the way up are the least hateful, the most giving. They know what it’s like. Country music fans were horrified long ago to find Johnny Cash was married to a black woman. I’m sure many were horrified at the recent Country Music Awards to see Luke Combs doing that tribute and incredible duo with Tracy Chapman. Luke knows what that song is about.
Empathy is harder when you’ve had everything handed to you, never been grocery shopping in your life. It’s easier to say, “It’s your fault you’re not successful like me.” Sometimes empathy is wired into the DNA, perhaps the enhancement of learning in past lifetimes, improving with each iteration, until we’re ready for the afterlife utopia.
Whether you’re spiritual, religious, or not, this is the key. I call it Christlike because I think Jesus was our best historical model—it’s all very well documented. Same with Buddhism. Look, you don’t have to join a pseudo-cult, follow a bunch of likely man-made rituals and ceremonies. You don’t have to wear your beliefs on your sleeve, or push it on others. We don’t know for certain if Christ was the son of God. That’s why it’s called faith, and Christians are called believers. Certainly he existed, and was an incredibly good person. There’s just too much historical evidence to deny that. Buddha existed, and has inspired so many to live good, altruistic lives. They are the exemplars, Keanu Reeves, Mark Cuban, and Taylor Swift are closer living examples, if you please.
Yes, those zero-sum folks will prey on your empathy, as that mean old racquetball player warned my son so long ago. Count on it. Buddhism says it will happen, know that it will, and deal with it. The consequences are between them, their God (if they have one), karma, their own self-esteem. Just know that the positives of empathy will outweigh those sometimes negative consequences of it.
I’m working hard on it myself. I’ve insulted those I’ve disagreed with on this journal, as recent as my last post. I always regret it immediately, but I won’t go back and erase it. It happened. It’s there to remind me to be better, to understand that people are often a result of the bad that’s happened in their lives, of what their parents or others have burned into them, and they need help. We’re all God’s children, we all have work to do. So I’m trying to fix that in myself, working on my language, stepping up my empathy and giving to those with less. Giavana? Heck, she’s already an angel. She inspires me.
This is the way to feeling good about yourself, to happiness, to making the world a better place for all of us. What if we all actually tried to follow that model, those giving principles, whether or not you believe in deities or an afterlife? Can you imagine the utopia we’d live in right here in this world?
“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.”—Walt Whitman
“Yet, taught by time, my heart has learned to glow for other’s good, and melt at other’s woe.”—Homer
“The only time you look in your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have as much as them.”—Louis C.K.
“I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.”—Maya Angelou
This pioneer journey continues…
Hey, it took me a few hours to write this journal post for you. Can you spend a few seconds and post it on your socials or forward to others? If so, thank you!
Free subscribers get a free copy of my book of short stories, Rambles and Daydreams. Paid subscribers will get all three books in the noir crime trilogy, Vigilante Angels. I no longer do paid-only posts, because it felt gross to leave people behind, especially those who can’t afford it.
If you read my ramblings, I’ll leave it to your conscience. If you get any value from my writing, consider a donation or subscription, which is priced at a few dollars, the minimum allowed. Half of all money goes to The National Alliance to End Homelessness, the other half pays for expenses.
You can also support me by becoming a paid subscriber below, leaving a small one-time tip at the button below, or by buying my novels at wildlakellc.com, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, or other fine book outlets in paperback, eBook, or audio.
When you buy something using the retail links in our stories we may get a teeny tiny commission, but it never affects your price or our judgement in linking to products we use and believe in. It helps pay for the costs in providing this (hopefully) entertaining content.